Horse and Man

(A few of you have asked me to re-post this so today is the day!  Originally posted 1/07/2011)

THANK GOD HORSES CAN’T CHEW GUM.

This thought came into my head today.

You probably would like to know how this ridiculous thought came about, right?  Well, I’ll tell you…

I was sleep-walking through my regular feeding routine this morning when I heard the familiar sound of the fence boards moaning.  Wrigley, my coming 3 year-old, was clamoring against the barn gate and sticking his giraffe neck waaaaay far over the invisible manners barrier to grab at the flake in my arms.

Me:  Hey!  You Backup!

W:  “Make me.”

Me:  Huh?  Is my babywoogiegoogie giving Mama attituuuuude?

W.  “Yup.”

Me:  Alright, Alright, you just need to back up now, enough of this.

W:  MAKE ME.

He just stood there.  Insolent.  I swear he had that 14 year-old human boy smirk that makes you want to slap him and giggle at the same time.  I knew right then that it was ON.

We stood there, squared like Wyatt Earp and Ike Clanton, eyeing each other with guns in our holsters.  I wasn’t moving and he wasn’t moving.  It was a Morgan/Human standoff.  I knew he couldn’t win, especially at this age when he would take that victory to the bank and never respect me again.  So, I didn’t blink and he didn’t either.  I could smell his breath.  He could probably smell coffee on mine.  But, neither of us wavered.

It was right about now that I enlisted the help of his dam.  Without moving a muscle, I ventriloquisted my request to Tess, my dear friend and patron of the ‘Baddest Mare Out There’ style of discipline.

Me:  Tess, couldya help me here? (I say without moving a lip…)

Tess:  “Huh?  I cannot hear you.  Could you enunciate a bit more?”

Me:  Tess!  Help me here!

Tess:  “Isn’t he cute?!  I just love him.  He’s my baby… sigh…”

Me:  Tess, make him move now (I’m hissing out the side of my mouth).

Tess:  “I think he takes after me, don’t you think so?  He couldn’t be cuter and he is already bigger than me…”

Me:  C’mon woman, reprimand your son!

Tess:  “Well, he isn’t doing it to me, is he?”

Me:  uh

This is when I had the gum idea.  This is when I said to myself, while looking at his smug little mug, “all we need now is for him to blow a huge Double Bubble  and then let it pop in my face” – showering horse breath all over my shrinking leadership.

Instead, I picked up a lead rope and created a helicopter blade in front of my personal space.

Me:  Take that, you nasty little creature!

W:  “Ahhhhhhh, OKOK, ahhhhhhhhhhh  I hate that!  I don’t think that is Natural Horsemanship… You’re cheating!”

Me:  Well Son, here’s my Clinton Anderson DVD.  I’m sure the helicopter rope whirl is on there (as I snigger like Muttley).

THE OTHERS

As I continued to feed, I imagined what kind of gum each of my horses would chew…

Finn is definitely a COOL BLAST sort of a horse.  Beautiful Girl is so dainty and light on her feet, I would think she would chew half a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint (the white wrapper).  Sam, the untouchable mustang, would probably choose chaw instead.  I’m sure she could spit with dead accuracy.  Gwen, my Morgan bully, would have about 40 gumballs in her mouth at once although I could see her chewing Beeman’s for the bite or maybe Clove  just to be different…  Tess probably would refuse to chew gum – such a disgusting habit.  Bodhi, Hubby’s sweet draft cross, couldn’t chew gum because he wouldn’t get anything else done.  Or, if he did chew gum, he’d be contented for hours.  I’m thinking his poison would be Juicy Fruit.  He’d like the sweet flavor and the yellow label.  Remi, the wary mustang, she’d chew Original Trident.  She would want the sensible gum.  No sugar, no mess, no fuss.  The ponies, well, this is a problem as they would have wads of all different types of gum they’d stolen scattered about everywhere… I’m sure Slick would prefer one of those rolls of bubble gum so that he could unwind it and put it all in his mouth at once.  I imagine Dodger would have a big ol’ wad of Black Jack.  Or, I could also see them fighting over the different flavors of Fruit Stripe or maybe they’d hang around with bubble gum cigars, trying to look taller…  Norma, dear Norma, nope, she would demur and choose a Tic Tac – the orange kind.

THEN WHAT?

Of course, you can’t think about horses chewing gum without wondering what they would do with it.

Well, we know Wrigley would blow bubbles every irritating second and then suck the bubbles back and crack the inside bubble against his tongue.  Phhhhhhhhhooo, POP! schlluuurp, crack, Crack!  Then he’d run around at a million miles an hour, trip, choke on his gum and run back to his Mom.

Gwen would wad up little, pre-chewed gumspitballs and throw them at my head until I fed her something better.

Something for Slick to unwind...

Finn would stick it all over his fence rails and Beautiful Girl would come along behind him and scrape it off, tsk tsking the whole way.  I’m sure she would save the wrapping paper and delicately put hers in the paper and then probably put the neat wrapper in her empty feed bucket for me to collect.

Sam would watch everyone very carefully and as they all became totally gum distracted, she’d tippy-toe ever so lightly up to the barn and eat everyone’s food.  Suckas!

Tess would spend the entire time like Lurch (Addams Family, remember?), shaking her head and muttering…

Bodhi would put his used gum on the underside of his bucket.  Remi wouldn’t waste it, she’d swallow it.

The ponies would have gum all in their hair.  And, Norma would love them anyway…

THANK GOODNESS

Could you imagine trying to train a horse who chews gum?

“Hey, I can’t trot and chew gum at the same time, everyone knows that!  Come back later.”

Couldn’t you just see it in the arena?  You’re trying to impart some great horsemanship move and they’re chewing gum.  Kinda ruins the whole picture, doesn’t it?

You’re grooming them and they spit it into your hair or maybe stick it on the seat of another horse’s saddle.  Some of them would hide it under their tongues and then pull it out again just as the judge is walking by.  Ha ha!  Dressage test out the window!  Could you see stopping a show because the horse got his gum caught over his bit?!  What would you say to your horse?  “Where did you get that, Trigger!  Were you going through my purse again?!”

My favorite image in my twisted little brain was the ‘afternoon ladies who lunch mare circle’.  Do you have one of those?  This is where all the mares walk to their favorite place and stand there, shooting the breeze.  I could see them all, chewing away as they swatted flies and told stories.  And then, if they heard any unusual sound, they’d all STOP instantly, mid-chew.  And then resume.  That just makes me smile…

WE ARE SAFE

Of course, horses have no fingers to unwrap the gum and no pockets in which to hold it — so we are safe for now…  But could you just imagine how one little thing, one little piece of rubbery stuff, could ruin the entire elegant image of the horse?!

Hmmmmm.  I wonder what horses think when they see us chewing gum?

All of a sudden I got self-conscious.  Did you?

Hey, are you chewing gum?!

HORSE AND MAN is a blog in growth… if you like this, please pass it around!

January Drop in the Bucket Fund: The Piute Orphan Foals

To learn all about the Bucket Fund and to donate the the ‘Saved from Slaughter Orphan Foals’, please click on the photo (photo credit, Trish Lowe)

As I left off previously, we are in the process of purchasing 80 acres and a small, new house in Paso Robles, CA.  If you missed the initial adventure, click here.

Fast forward a few days… we found out on Thursday that they had accepted our offer.  We also were told that the owners wanted to meet us ASAP…

Hmmmmm.  Hadn’t they already accepted our offer?  Why did they want to meet us immediately.

We did find out that they lived next door so we’d be neighbors (they own the fabulous equestrian spread just next door) so maybe they wanted to meet us to decide if they wanted to exercise their contingency or three-day exit clause?  Hmmmmm, again.  But, hey, why not?  We wanted to meet our neighbors, too.

We had no idea what to expect but we were game.  We told them we’d be there Saturday.

They accepted our offer!

DRIVING DOWN THERE

On the drive down, Hubby and I were a bit giddy and silly.  We kept trying to one-up each other on what we might learn upon our meeting that afternoon.

Hubby had the impression that the owners would be an elderly couple who just wanted to meet the new people who would be their neighbors.  His mind conjured us sitting in their parlor, listening to a religious radio station as they quizzed us on our lineage and associations…  Or, perhaps walk through an Ol’Boys Game room with poor animal heads mounted and Pappy talking about shotgunning all the ground squirrels.

He mused that they might ask us to join their cult.

I, on the other hand, had done some deep Internet searches – not only had I done searches on the owners but every neighbor and news story within a 30 block radius.  I had Google Earth’d all the boundaries and perimeter neighbors (a vineyard with a tasting room is off the front right corner and a few hundred acres over – yay!) as well as done a Property Records search on all the surrounding addresses.  (Yup.  That’s me.  I don’t take these things lightly.)

Anyway, my perception was that the owners were younger than ‘old’ and that they wanted to size us up so they could use a contingency if they didn’t like us.

I’m pretty sure I was right.

Why did they want to meet us? How would they perceive us? Would we scare them?

MEETING THEM

While driving down, we learned that we were to meet the owners at the property.  So, that kinda removed the ‘sitting in the parlor’ scenario.

Upon arrival, our sweet but not-good-with-a-stick-shift realtor was creating a new trench in the driveway as she attempted to move up the hill after stopping to enter the gate code.  We were behind her and I kept telling Hubby to ‘give her room!’ since I knew our grill in her rearview mirror was adding to her frustration.

As we climbed up to the residence, we saw no one else there.  Ahhhhhh – we breathed in the air and the view.  Then, suddenly, in the distance, we heard the distinct clattering hum of a 4-wheeler bounding through the distance.  We looked.  I caught my breath.  I swear to gawd the visual looked like something out of a Roger Rabbit movie.  Hands were flying and clinging to the rails as this thing bumped along the dirt road only catching a tire every 20 feet or so.  I was spellbound.  I could hear the screams and chatter coming from the vehicle but wasn’t sure if it was fear or fun compelling them.

Squinting, Hubby, Realtor and I were silent as we watched the approach.  I considered taking cover in a nearby bush…

As the cartoony vehicle got closer, I could tell that three people were jammed in the front.  A blonde woman who seemed just fine with it all, a terrified Real Estate agent who looked like she would be more comfortable showing lofts in SoHo and the maniacal driver who was coiffed like a supermodel.

The device lurched to a sudden halt before us.  The blonde and the driver jumped out as they had done a zillion times before.  The SoHo realtor ungripped her fingers slowly and gingerly moved her frozen backside closer to the exit and then made her dismount as gracefully as one can when they’ve lost all of their composure.

They had arrived.

They came bounding down the road, only one wheel touching the ground at any given time...

US AND THEM

Hubby, Realtor and I watched with probably gaping mouths, not sure.  But, in their defense, no dust blew over us and no toes were crushed, so we were had to acknowledge his expert maneuvering.

Out came a very friendly and strong handshake from the male supermodel.  The blonde was equally as friendly.  The SOHO realtor was recovering but extended her hand out of habit.

First impression was good.  Phew.

ALLEN AND SHANNON

Allen and Shannon were almost cut out of a Gorsuch catalog.  (If you don’t know what it is, click here… I get the catalog because I used to ski in Aspen all the time – which is a hint.)

Suddenly, Hubby and I felt like Shabbypants in our Grass Valley clothes.  I distinctly felt the ‘haves and have nots’ thing going on.  I’m not sure what they had that we didn’t, but I’m sure they did.

I, like an idiot, made a joke about coveting their 4-wheeler which he didn’t find it funny.  Oy.  Then we went inside as the realtors bustled about with their paperwork.  The four of us started chatting and I mentioned how I was uncomfortable with the gate where it is positioned and hoped to rectify that (my trailer would hang out in traffic).  He didn’t see my issue – at all.  Oy, another ding.  I wasn’t doing so well here.

Supermodel Guy, now known as Allen, suggested we look around the property on his 4-wheeler.  Hubby and I gave each other a wink and said, “Sure!”.

It was on.

Them and Us. (That isn't really them... I took the image from the Gorsuch catalog)

OUR RIDE

OMGOMGOMG!  I started giggling immediately to hide my intense fear of heights, speed and impending death by rollover.  Hubby was giggling with glee.

I wondered if maybe they had decided to dispense with the contingencies and just do away with us via Kabota.  Suddenly, I felt a kinship with the SoHo realtor…

Allen said he was showing us the back of the property but I really think he was showing us his INDYCAR skills or perhaps auditioning for Extreme Homeowner.  Don’t know but I didn’t learn much about the back of the property except how not to navigate it.

Hubby thought it was great!  (Except the one time he thought we might roll and perhaps re-injure his neck…)

Anyway, we do now know all the boundaries on the back 55 and from what I can recall (when I had my eyes open), the land would be fun to ride and was very diverse back there.

I made several jokes while bounding around and Allen said that he liked me.  I wasn’t sure.

This is all I could picture in my head as we wheeled around the property

THE FLATTER PARTS

Next we rode up to the front acres which were much less challenging of a ride.  Allen did reveal to me that he had no such fear of edges and ledges as we teetered on all of them…

At one point, we gathered next to the edge of the property that faces a small organic vineyard.  Allen reassured us about all the neighbors and told us little stories on each.  I, again, unfortunately quipped about how I knew this already from my Google searches.  In fact, I knew who owned the front property and it wasn’t the fireman who lived there but actually the Garrisons who run the cattle ranch for the Heart Corp (Hearst Castle and newspaper).

Oops.  I shudda kept my trap shut…  Allen looked at me dumbstruck.  I tried to back pedal but the seed was planted.  Hubby laughed and said that I was good at homework…  Allen looked at me as if I was some nerdy computer spy weirdo from Grass Valley.

Maybe I am.

Am I some weird computer spy savant? I think I scared him a bit.

ALL IN ALL…

As Hubby and I waved goodbye to our Gorsuch neighbors, we mused about it all.

Allen and Shannon had told us that they had their home on the market as well and were probably going to move onto a new property (to reinvent) shortly.  So, we are guessing that they won’t be there much longer.  Hmmmm.  Why had they wanted to meet us?  And, who would provide us with our thrills if they moved?

We felt happy with the property and happy with the neighbors and neighborhood in general.

The house was still too small.  And, we still had a TON or work to do to get it horse ready… and then years of tweaking, for sure.  But, we couldn’t deny the investment opportunity and potential.  ’80 Acres in California wine country’ is our mantra.

The vineyard next door.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Yup.  I’m scared and excited in the same breath.

I’ve never moved to a property when I didn’t have a job and a steady, fairly substantial cash flow.

This is the first time I will have to put up ‘temporary’ stuff to fix later when I have the means.   My biggest fear is that I won’t get a job fast enough and that the neighbors will think we are the reason the neighborhood property values have gone downhill.  AAArgh.

I resolve that that won’t happen.  So, look for future posts where I poll all of you on the best (and least expensive) ways to do things around here until I get my feet underneath me.

As far as our meeting with the owners… I don’t know if we passed but we’ll never, ever forget that wild ride, for sure!  What a symbolic reference for our new wild ride adventure in real estate!

We will use this as our 'before' photo... A house and land but nothing else.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Well, I learned a few things this month regarding the Bucket Fund…

THE FIRST THING I LEARNED.

First, going outside of the species box was not a great idea.  Not too many of you felt compelled to give to the Beagle Freedom Project.  Now I know.

Sadly, I had hoped to have an Elephant Bucket Fund this year but I think that will be a bad idea as well, given the success of the Beagle Fund.

But, highlighting the character of the Beagle Freedom Project folks, they were thrilled with our donation and said that even if they just met a few new people through the Bucket Fund, it was worth it.

Nice folks.

So, thank you to all those who stepped outside the box with me and gave good will or funds to the Beagles!

Receipt for the Beagle Freedom Project Bucket Fund donation.

THE SECOND THING I LEARNED.

The second thing I learned is that sometimes you gotta just keep trying…

I say this because I really believe in helping the older horses.  For me, it is really sad that the older horses are generally passed over for adoption and usually head for slaughter – after all of their good service.  So, I’ve had THE GOLDEN CARROT as a Bucket Funder a few times over the last two years.  The first two occasions were not very successful.  I think most donators thought that these older horses were ‘safe’ so they didn’t need help.  I understand.

Except, it takes funds to care for the sick and older ones.  So, I wanted to keep trying.  And, ironically, the loss of two older Golden Carrot horses congruent with TGC being a Bucket Fund recipient for December seemed to be a tipping point.

Somehow, the sadness of the passing of the Bucket Fund Ambassador as well as his best friend – with the tributes written by their caregiver – seemed to touch you.  Suddenly, these horses became real with real lives, hearts and souls.

So, thank you very, very much for supporting the older horses.  I am very appreciative and The Golden Carrot is ECSTATIC!  In fact, your funds are helping them bring in two new older horses who will fill the empty stalls of those they lost this month!   In this economy, that is rare.

Wonderful outcome!  Perfect.

Receipt for THE GOLDEN CARROT December Bucket Fund

THE HORSES OF HORSE PROPERTIES

This may be an odd thing to ponder… the horses of horse properties on the market.   But today Hubby and I are once again in Paso Robles looking for a home and I cannot help but think of them.

Actually, many of the homes we have seen are empty since most homes on the market right now are, sadly, foreclosures.  But, several of them are inhabited.  Not just by humans, but by the horses living there.

This touches me.  I’m not sure why, but I feel bittersweet when I see them.  I wonder if they know they are moving and I wonder if they will be in a better place when they do move.

I try not to be sad because I know that my horses have moved a few times and it has generally been good for them.  They’ve been mostly happy in all places.  So, moving isn’t necessarily a bad thing…

However, I always feel the desire to know that they will be OK even though it is none of my beezwax.  The horses don’t mind if I am nosy so I ALWAYS ask them about their digs.  Sometimes they come over, sometimes they don’t.

If I’m interested in the home, I nose around quite a bit and note all the tell tale signs.  Are they chewing the fence?  Leaning?  Who lives next door?  Is there enough water?  How are the waterlines run?  Do they use their shelters?  Can they see danger?  What kind of soil?  Is the barn/shed convenient?  Hay storage?  Mold?  Ponyproof gates?  Trees?  Can I add paddocks?  What is the slope like?  Can I maneuver the trailer?  What is the merge into traffic?  … so many considerations.

Thus far, we have not been able to afford the places we’ve liked.  We were outbid on another.  Crossing fingers that something will happen for us.

Anyway, here are photos of some of the horses from the horse properties.  I have told them all that I wish the best for them in their futures.

"Hey, who are you?"

"I'm not coming near you but I want to see what you are doing."

"We stay inside, really, don't worry about the wire..."

"We're minis and we have this huge space to graze down - too busy to meet you!"

HORSE AND MAN is a blog in growth… if you like this, please pass it around!

If you need Equine Chia, click here and benefit the Bucket Fund!

Copyright

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.